How fathers can improve communication with kids

--- Source: www.timeswellness.com and Educationtimes.com ---
For Parents

There are challenges that a father faces while trying to communicate with his child. Deepti Khanna tells how you can overcome those and strengthen the father-child bond.

Most kids often complain that their fathers never have the time for them and most fathers are sad that kids don’t respect the decisions they take for them.

6-12 years
In this age group, kids are aware yet very curious and inquisitive. They have complete faith and trust in what their parents say and do not challenge what is spoken. For fathers it is important to understand that the Indian concept of instilling fear of the father is not healthy. Dr Harish Shetty, pyschiatrist practising at Dr LH Hirannadani Hospital says, “Often in India, mothers threaten kids that if they don’t do their homework, their father would be told. This is not the right way of communicating. The child at this age should be made to feel secure and accepted.”

Dr Yusuf Mathcheswalla, a psychiatrist and a counsellor says, “In case of a male child the Sigmund Freudian concept of Oedipus complex holds true. Until 5 years, a boy child is completely in love with his mother and shares a very close bond with her. It is only after five that the boy child accepts his father and begins to bond. By six and seven

Years, the child becomes very friendly with his dad. For him his dad is his superman and loves spending time together. In case of the girl child they simply dote on their fathers and love them more than their moms.”

13 to 18 years
According to experts it is important to allow the child to dream and express their dreams when they are in their teens. This means that if a child says “I want to be a pilot” he or she should not be told ‘but you do not get enough marks’. On the other hand he / she should be encouraged to dream big and realise their dreams eventually. Dr Shetty adds, “Also in this age group, providing an element of surprise while communicating is important. Dads can just take their kids for a drive or coffee and just chat and tell them things like how he met his wife and such things. It is important to befriend the child. Also being around the child is important but do not do the mistake of spying. Trust your kids completely but keep your eyes open.”

Dr Matcheswalla states that 13 to 18 years is a time when the child grows from a boy to man. The child starts making bonds outside home and distancing from parents happens. It is important for dads to take an interest in kids’ lives and ensure they communicate with each other without lecturing.

18 to 21 years
During this age group there is not much face to face interaction among kids and dads so making an effort from the parent’s side is important. Fathers should go for a drive, walk, ice cream etc. Fathers at this stage should call kids and involve them in family decisions. For instance, “Which colour walls will you prefer or what could we have for dinner.” Also during these brief interactions it is advisable to stay away from lecturing kids. Your aim should be to give him / her a good time. Also knowing the kids’ friends is crucial.

Says Dr Matcheswalla, “It is important to give your child space. A doctor father should not expect a doctor son. But again once career choices are made and he / she is good in academics this period generally runs smooth.”

Above 21 years of age
By this age the child has settled career wise and respecting the child’s desires is what a dad should do. During this time kids and dads will be together and bond generally on festivals and times of illness. Dads now should make an effort to bond through small conversations and gossiping. Dr Shetty says, “At this stage it is important to accept the lifestyle choices the child has made. For instance if a child says lets go in my car the dad should not say ‘no I am a simple man and will travel by train alone’. If the child offers a lift by car, accept it wholeheartedly.”

However the one thing that fathers across all age groups should remember is that they need to respect their child at every point. Dr Harish Shetty, pyschiatrist practising at Dr LH Hirannadani Hospital says, “According to me, love should come after respect. Loving is not as important as respecting. It is lack of respect for each other that causes all the communication problems.”